ӝTheHalcyon
Pirate Cap'n, Reckless Thinker, Riot Mother
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MORE Uncle Jack!
- October 10, 2008 - 8:41pm
Oh, my darlings. My sweet, decadent, Riotous darlings. Come. Come sit at the Cap'n's table and let's talk about Uncle Jack.
You all know Uncle Jack, right? In case not, let's have a quick recap, shall we? "Uncle Jack" Thompson is that douche-bag Florida lawyer who's been forever disbarred for being such an incredible tool. Srsly. The Florida Bar Association got so sick of watching this guy have shit-mouth, that they actually disbarred him. This is one of those poster candidates for voting democrat, ok.... For about a thousand years now, he's been on an anti-video game crusade, heading the charge of all the OTHER douche-bags in this nation and, it seems, around the world who believe that life reflects art. That is: that video-games are single-handedly responsible for the world going to hell in a hand-basket.
Now. We're all familiar with Sarah Palin, yes? This unheard of "America's Favorite Soccer Mom" from Alaska who got nominated as the Republican candidate for Vice President just so that people would have something other than yet another old, white man to stare at? After all, Obama and Clinton -- both Hillary and Bill -- have been getting a lot of press lately, and let's face it...they're both prettier than McCain.
Ok. So here's the deal. You've probably read in my news reports that I stumbled on this letter that Uncle Jack sent to Auntie Sarah, ya? No? Well. Go look. Or, better yet...just read the letter:
October 10, 2008
The Honorable Sarah Palin
Governor, State of Alaska
Vice-Presidential Candidate
McCain-Palin Campaign Headquarters
Arlington, Virginia Via Fax and e-mail
Re: Federal Law Needed to Stop Sale of Mature-Rated Video Games to Minors
Dear Governor Palin:
Over the last decade I have appeared on more than 200 national television programs (Today eight times, 60 Minutes twice, Nightline, Oprah) alerting Americans to the public safety and health hazards posed by the video game industry’s marketing and sale of violent and pornographic Mature-rated video games to minors. Innumerable school shootings have been caused by these murder simulators, including those at Paducah, Columbine, Red Lake, and Virginia Tech. We are teaching our kids how to murder.
A number of reliable polls prove that 70% of the American people want a federal law prohibiting the sale of adult video games to minors. We are the only nation in the world that does not have such a law. The United States Federal Trade Commission has proven that major retailers like Best Buy, Target, and Wal-Mart are violating the video game industry’s age rating system. These brazen sales by these huge retailers are occurring in stores and via the Internet. I have sat in jail cells with these game-trained killers. I have sat in the living rooms of the families of their victims. Both sides in this carnage are bathed in tears. The video game industry is sowing the wind, and the rest of us are reaping their whirlwind. It is going to get worse. Columbine times ten is on the way.
The McCain-Palin campaign, with all respect, is missing the boat on this issue. I strongly urge your campaign to tell American parents that if elected you will present to Congress a bill that prevents the sale of adult games to kids while fully protecting the First Amendment. I have this crucial, constitutional legislation drafted and ready to go. You will see voters flock to your proposal. The American entertainment industry’s assault upon our children and our values must stop, and you are the person to stop it.
Regards, Jack Thompson
Now. Let's examine Cap'n Haly's Top Ten Favorite portions of this bullshit, shall we?
1. "Innumerable school shootings..." Really? Innumerable? That sums up quite a large number indeed, Uncle Jack. Now, do not get me wrong. Each and every single one of those shootings was a tragedy, and the loss of life and injuries sustained should not be cheapened. Oh. Wait. I think they just were, in the letter! Over and over we have heard this walking colostomy bag talk about how every single thing that children do wrong is attributable to video games. Yet where is he when it comes to attacking 'mock weapon' sales to children in their preschool years? Huh? Have you ever met a little boy who wasn't BORN with the ability to make machine-gun sounds while pointing his fingers? Let me tell you, kids, I've got two sons, and no amount of trying to keep "weapons" out of their hands has ever, ever worked. And, in fact, most child psychologists agree that this is a natural part of being a boy, it fosters their "protective instincts." Far be it from Uncle Jack to look at other sources for these shootings like...lack of parental guidance and support, lack of peer association and support and, GASP, genuine mental illness. Oh, and let's not forget that it's the VIDEO GAMES in the hands of minors that are killing people, AND NOT THE GUNS IN THE HANDS OF MINORS. Yup.
2. "A law preventing the sale of adult video games to minors." Wait. Don't we already have one of those? Isn't that what the ESRB rating system is all about? And, while we're at it, isn't the sale of adult movies to minors also illegal? Tell me, Uncle Jack, how old were YOU when YOU saw your first slasher flick? Or did they not have those back in the stone age? Has it never occurred to you, Uncle Jack, that an overwhelming majority of the adult-rated games that are in the hands of our youth are PURCHASED BY THE PARENTS as gifts for birthdays and holidays? Did it never occur to you, Uncle Jack that all the millions of dollars you and others have spent trying to ban these video games from store shelves and our homes would be BETTER SPENT on Parental Education for Age-Appropriate Media?
3. "Wal-Mart." Yes. Let's take down Wal-Mart. Because NO ONE has EVER tried THAT TRICK before!!! GOOD LUCK!
4. "Occurring in stores and via the internet." And kids aren't lying about their age to get access to online porn, either.
5. "I have sat in jail cells...." Too bad they let you back out, asshat.
6. "Both sides...are bathed in tears." Yeah. No shit, Sherlock. Angry people want someone to blame, doesn't matter if that person -- or industry -- is at all responsible. This philosophy worked well for the Inquisition, the Salem Witch Trials, and Nazi Germany. Yeah. I went there.
7. "The McCain-Palin campaign, with all respect, is missing the boat on this issue." Yes, because of ALL THE ISSUES that the McCain-Palin campaign is missing the boat for...THIS IS THE ONE WE ARE ALL CONCERNED ABOUT. Douche-bag.
8. "...While fully protecting the First Amendment" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, Uncle Jack. They're too busy touting the Second Amendment to bother with regard for the First. Or haven't you been paying attention to the last 200+ years of American Politics?
9. "I have this crucial, constitutional legislation drafted and ready to go." Oh, you mean that unconstitutional piece of garbage that Louisiana, Utah, Delaware and Massachusetts have all told you, in no uncertain terms, to shove up your ass?
10. "...And you are the person to stop it." Because YOU certainly aren't, Uncle Jack! Have we mentioned yet that Florida Governor Bush is President Bush's brother, and even HE didn't step up to save your ass? No? Hmmmmm. I'm sure that's not important.
And, as a special bonus....
11. "Regards, Jack Thompson" Anyone else think this should have been "Love and Kisses" instead?
Comments
ʊCassed
Shut up and die.
Our plan is two- fold:
1) Ban all video games. Simple as that.
2) Ban talking. NO ONE MUST TALK. It creates dissent.
So tell me what does freedom mean
If I'm not free to be as twisted as I want to be
ɤsawdustprophet
Plays With His Wii
2. Ban talking.
3. ???
4. PROFIT!!!
This message brought to you by the royal messenger of the great King-Admiral Knight Ian IV.
ӝTheHalcyon
Pirate Cap'n, Reckless Thinker, Riot Mother
Haly
ӝTheHalcyon
Pirate Cap'n, Reckless Thinker, Riot Mother
Haly
ӝTheHalcyon
Pirate Cap'n, Reckless Thinker, Riot Mother
Haly
ʊHAL
The Cake Is A Lie
-HAL
ӝTheHalcyon
Pirate Cap'n, Reckless Thinker, Riot Mother
Haly
ʊHAL
The Cake Is A Lie
He's a worldwide scourge to gamers, not just in the states.
If you'd ever be willing to write a completely bastardised version, then go for it.
-HAL
ӝTheHalcyon
Pirate Cap'n, Reckless Thinker, Riot Mother
Haly
ʊHAL
The Cake Is A Lie
So... haly-style should be fine
-HAL
ӝTheHalcyon
Pirate Cap'n, Reckless Thinker, Riot Mother
Haly
ʊHAL
The Cake Is A Lie
-HAL
ӝTheHalcyon
Pirate Cap'n, Reckless Thinker, Riot Mother
Haly
ʊHAL
The Cake Is A Lie
-HAL
ɤmonchee
Retro Gamer
*laughing-laughing*
ӝTheHalcyon
Pirate Cap'n, Reckless Thinker, Riot Mother
Haly
ѻzionwingmaster
LVL 72 Beefy Nerd
HEATHEN!
I am the DM, I can give out random nonsensical bonuses if I want to.
ӝTheHalcyon
Pirate Cap'n, Reckless Thinker, Riot Mother
Haly
ѻzionwingmaster
LVL 72 Beefy Nerd
HEATHEN!
I am the DM, I can give out random nonsensical bonuses if I want to.